Direction, Support and Belonging...

SO...
I have made no bones about the fact that ever since we "graduated" from homeschooling I have felt lost, I thought I had found myself but it just wasn't feeling right. I made some great new friends along this ride this past year of trying to find the new me, and while some will always be there or at least I hope, I have been feeling God pull me in a different direction for sometime. I could not really hear what he was saying because there has been a lot of noise going on in my life. But these last two weeks I have been really listening and trying to understand this path he wants me to take.

  I have strayed away from the people who truly support me in all decisions I make. Lately I have had people not be very supportive even though they claim to be. It has torn me down and I started to let them get in my head. Because of other issues in my life I have had to distance myself from a few things in my life and in the process have figured out what God has been trying to tell me all along, this was meant has a journey in my life but was not the destination. I have put me and my creativity aside for just business and it is not who I am. I am no longer finding joy in what I do and it is tearing me up. It caused some issues at home, as I was hardly ever home. My family was missing what we always had and that was time for us. Sure with everyone's busy schedules it is harder and harder to connect but I simply was not present hardly at all. I lost my focus of what is truly important and that is my family and what will make my family better is having me home more and focused more on us. More home cooked family meals, more movie and game nights and more happy Mom.

 A good friend recently told me she was worried about me as I had lost my sparkle, and you know what she was right. At the time I could not put my finger on it but I recently had that AH HA Moment and it just about smacked me upside the head. I forgot to listen to God and I forgot to trust in his plan, but I am listening and I am working on being more intentional, more intentional with my husband and more intentional with my kids and more intentional with myself. I love school and  I am proud of myself for going back and working on getting my degree. I let some people make me think it was not important and that I was wasting my time, I should have been doing what was important to them but what is important to them is not important to me. I have to do what is important to me and my family and I cannot let others make me feel guilty for that. I let others tell me that my marriage was not worth fighting for and I let them get inside my head. My husband has issues and yes I am worn out but I am not done fighting but I am done letting people try to tell me how to feel or what to do. I will continue to pray and seek options for help for my husband and I need to surround myself with like minded friends and not those that do not truly have my or my family's best interests in mind. SO enough babbling... New opportunities come knocking and the next month will be a focus of family and school and then look for an announcement to come the end of February,  A new adventure that will feed my spirit and my creativity but also bring in income for my family. I am excited to share with you but you will have to wait a little bit for that.

The Good, the bad and the BiPolar! #bipolar #spouse #atmywhitsend

For better and worse? Yes, these were my vows almost 23 years ago, but over the last almost 8 years we have been dealing with a demon called Bi Polar, mental illness sucks there is no sugar coating it. We have tried meds, there have been hospitalizations and there have been many tears and many prayers. There has been therapy, broken promises and lying. My kids and I have been through it all. But if you ask my husband he is the only one that has been affected, he chooses to live in the past and focus on what he doesn't have instead of being grateful for what he has and even though we do not have everything we have so much to be thankful for. He is bitter and angry and he is hurtful and mean. He has his own sense of reality and it is not fun or healthy to live in this life the way this has been going all of these years as it is escalating and there is no relief insight. He has an attitude of a victim, and that the world is against him. He thinks the world owes him and that he has no guilt in any of this garbage we go through everyday. I am worn out, my kids are worn out and we are all simply done. We all deserve a life without Bi Polar, including my husband but that is not going to happen so what are we to do.

  He is truly not able to function on his own, but is it fair for me to have to stay in this broken marriage with no hope of it ever being fixed. I am 41 years old. I have given the good fight but there is no fight left in me, I am emotionally drained and it is impacting my day to day life. I am usually a very positive person, for the most part most people do not know anything like this is going on in our life. I have come to the conclusion that keeping this part of our life hidden is not healthy for us anymore and I know that I am not alone and I hope by sharing some of our story I will find others that need support like us.

 Nobody truly knows the shoes people are walking in until they have had to walk in similar shoes. I started blogging years ago for a way to vent about things that were going on in life with our with Asperger's and it grew from there. I miss having a place to vent but at the same time I am hoping this blog will bring people together that share similar paths. I am reaching out and joining an online support group for spouses of Bi Polar partners.

  I do not believe the divorce is always the answer when the going gets tough but there has to be a time to cry uncle and say enough is enough. But I also struggle with what to do with this man who cannot function alone. Morally and legally what do I do? I am just at a loss I do not know what to do.

If you have dealt with anything similar I would love to hear from you! I need to know I am not alone that I am not the only one that has a husband who is more like a child than an equal? I am feeling very alone and I do not like this feeling of weakness. I have been on my knees in prayer for many years and I need something more I need to hear from others that share my journey, although every journey is different there is some similarity to every path.

Word of the year for 2018!

  I have been choosing a word of the year for the last few years, it helps me to focus on where I need the most help. I may not always be successful but it is a starting point. To some it is cheesy and to some unrealistic. It is kind of in the thinking of resolutions, I know what you are thinking... Resolutions set everyone up for failure. In some ways this may be true but I like to have the perspective that it gives me a starting point to being the new book of life for the new year. Page one... start here and grow from there.

  So my words I have used in the past, Calm, Faith, Intent, and my favorite NO! I had a habit of saying yes even when I did not want to do something, simply because I am a people pleaser and I thought that I needed to make everyone happy but myself. It is still a work in progress but I have come a long way. I have done much soul searching this year, we have been through a lot this past year and I feel I am stronger because of it but there has been some areas in my life that have suffered in the process of just surviving this year.

  I took a stress management class this past semester in school, it helped me to search my soul for areas that I needed to work on to help manage my mounting load of stress. There are certain things that you cannot alleviate, like your family, yes they can be stressful, you cannot always change certain circumstances but there are many areas that can be changed. We learned to keep a stress journal, and each week the same questions were asked. The pattern I noticed is that my once impeccable knack for being super organized had completely derailed. Now being too organized presents its own challenges and in my quest to be more relaxed and present with my family this past year it seems my organization skills had been tossed completely out the window sometime last spring! This has been a HUGE stress ball for me, and the problem is with being so busy with many things going on in life some that can be controlled and some that can not, it was hard to get back on the organization train.

  I have decided that my word for 2018 is...

This word encompasses many areas that need to be worked on this year and that can help alleviate many stresses in my life. 

I want to save time, being unorganized creates much more work for myself.

1. I cannot find things I am looking for so I waste time searching.

2. Mistakes are made in work or school or life that cause me to spend time fixing and correcting those mistakes. 

3.Money, I spend money on quick dinners that I could use to make several meals by getting back to meal planning and ever freezer meal cooking. 

4. Forgetting important events, meetings or projects because I am not using my planner that I so love to use and decorate as part of my creative expression.

5. Having more family time, because I am using my time more wisely instead of wasting it because of issues arising from disorganization. 

There are many more issues, clutter, I have always prided myself on the fact that I never had to spend all day cleaning just to have company, or that I would be embarrassed of company popped over. I felt so much more at peace over the holidays because my home has been neat and orderly and we have been cooking good meals and eating as a family. I have simply been less stressed and it is because I have been more organized with less to do. So this is not simply a one word fix. I need to be more intentional about using my free time to be home to keep up with my home as well as everything else. I need to continue to say no even when I may want to say yes if I know there are things to do around the house. 

School is starting back up next Monday and I am making sure that all of the holiday decorations are put away and that there are meal plans in place and that my planner is ready to hit the ground running so that I can start organized and have a plan to stay organized, this will help me feel more balanced and less stressed and in turn will help me be happier and more content. I think this will help keep my family happy and balanced as well. 

Here is to a healthy, happy and organized 2018! 

I would love to hear if you choose a word of the year if you would like to share.