For better and worse? Yes, these were my vows almost 23 years ago, but over the last almost 8 years we have been dealing with a demon called Bi Polar, mental illness sucks there is no sugar coating it. We have tried meds, there have been hospitalizations and there have been many tears and many prayers. There has been therapy, broken promises and lying. My kids and I have been through it all. But if you ask my husband he is the only one that has been affected, he chooses to live in the past and focus on what he doesn't have instead of being grateful for what he has and even though we do not have everything we have so much to be thankful for. He is bitter and angry and he is hurtful and mean. He has his own sense of reality and it is not fun or healthy to live in this life the way this has been going all of these years as it is escalating and there is no relief insight. He has an attitude of a victim, and that the world is against him. He thinks the world owes him and that he has no guilt in any of this garbage we go through everyday. I am worn out, my kids are worn out and we are all simply done. We all deserve a life without Bi Polar, including my husband but that is not going to happen so what are we to do.
He is truly not able to function on his own, but is it fair for me to have to stay in this broken marriage with no hope of it ever being fixed. I am 41 years old. I have given the good fight but there is no fight left in me, I am emotionally drained and it is impacting my day to day life. I am usually a very positive person, for the most part most people do not know anything like this is going on in our life. I have come to the conclusion that keeping this part of our life hidden is not healthy for us anymore and I know that I am not alone and I hope by sharing some of our story I will find others that need support like us.
Nobody truly knows the shoes people are walking in until they have had to walk in similar shoes. I started blogging years ago for a way to vent about things that were going on in life with our with Asperger's and it grew from there. I miss having a place to vent but at the same time I am hoping this blog will bring people together that share similar paths. I am reaching out and joining an online support group for spouses of Bi Polar partners.
I do not believe the divorce is always the answer when the going gets tough but there has to be a time to cry uncle and say enough is enough. But I also struggle with what to do with this man who cannot function alone. Morally and legally what do I do? I am just at a loss I do not know what to do.
If you have dealt with anything similar I would love to hear from you! I need to know I am not alone that I am not the only one that has a husband who is more like a child than an equal? I am feeling very alone and I do not like this feeling of weakness. I have been on my knees in prayer for many years and I need something more I need to hear from others that share my journey, although every journey is different there is some similarity to every path.
No comments:
Post a Comment